Serene (Shattered Book 3) Page 19
“So it’s gonna be a girl?” I asked.
“Yes, and I hope she looks just like her daddy.” Crystal smiled lovingly at Liam.
I looked at Ivy and noticed sadness crossing her features. I thought back about what had happened today, but didn’t remember anything that could upset her. It wasn’t the first moment that I saw her expression change from cheerful to thoughtful, and a bit sad. Recently she’s been acting a little different. I didn’t ask any questions, afraid I would break into something too private that she didn’t want to share with me. We talked about everything, but at times, I had this feeling that she was hiding something from me.
“Is everything okay?” I asked her.
“Yeah.” She forced a smile and turned to Crystal, “Would you accompany me to the ladies’ room, please?”
“Sure, doll.”
The two of them left, but I didn’t buy Ivy’s lies. She wasn’t okay.
“I’ve heard you two share an apartment now,” Liam said, with his eyes following his wife. “How does she feel about sharing a place with you?”
“She’s getting used to it.”
“And you?”
“I’m getting addicted to waking up with her in my arms.”
A knowing smile lit up Liam’s face. “Sounds familiar.”
***
Ivy
I stood at the sink, with the water running down my palms. Tears burned my eyes, but I wouldn’t let them fall.
“Stanley told me about your speedway adventure,” Crystal said. “Did you enjoy the ride?”
I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. My head spun slightly.
“I sure did.” A new wave of sickness overwhelmed me. My stomach tightened and ached. I kept swallowing, trying to stop my throat from clenching. I could almost taste it at the back of my mouth.
Not now, please not again…
“Hey, you okay?” Crystal touched my hand, her skin felt hot against mine.
“What is it… like to feel the baby growing under your heart?” Despite the fact that I’d watched my sister’s three pregnancies, I never asked her that question. Plus, I needed a distraction.
“It’s something very special, like magic that you can’t see, only feel happening inside you.”
I swallowed another impulse to vomit.
“It makes me feel empowered,” Crystal continued. “I’m not St. Mary, of course, but I swear this baby inside me is my whole world. I flutter around baby stores, picking all the things my girl might need. I also buy a lot of things that I already know she will never use, but they are just so cute, I can’t help myself. And if you ask me about something more real – I pee a lot, running to the bathroom every ten minutes or so. Sometimes it makes me so angry I want to punch something.”
I chuckled. “I can imagine.” After a few deep breaths, I felt a little better.
“Not to mention I turn like one hundred times per night. No position feels comfortable enough to help me fall asleep.”
“That’s what I’ve heard from Emery. She could stay awake all night long and then sleep all day long. She said she felt like an owl.”
Crystal didn’t comment on that.
“Is it because you and Stanley started living together?”
“What?” I turned around, a bit scared she knew the reason for my weird behavior.
“I mean your questions about pregnancy… He’s taking your relationship very seriously. I bet he’s imagined himself being a dad dozens of times by now. Does it bother you?”
“It does.”
“Why?”
“It’s obvious – I think he deserves someone better than me. Yes, after all this time we spent together, I still have this stupid fear of feeling his disappointment one day. I don’t want him to regret his choice.”
“Are you being serious now? What can be better than being happy with someone you love?”
“Nothing.”
“That’s the point, silly.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders. “You two are perfect for each other. You don’t need any proof to know it. You are like two parts of one whole.”
I knew I could be honest with Crystal. After all, we both loved Stanley, in different ways, but we cared about his future and both wanted him to be happy.
“I can’t imagine my life without him,” I said in a shaking voice. “Not anymore. I don’t care about losing my independence for him. And trust me, learning how to be independent while totally blind – was the hardest challenge I had ever faced. There were a lot of break down moments, frustration, screaming and hating the entire world around me. At first I thought I was the most miserable person in the world and that no one, not even other blind people could understand what I was going through. But I learned how to ‘fight back’ and kicked my fate’s ass with great pleasure. And then, I met Stanley. He was like a new challenge to me, testing my every forgotten emotion. I don’t know why, but since the very first time we met, I wanted to impress him. It was as if a part of me knew he wasn’t just another stranger, but the man who would turn my whole world upside down. I got scared, it’s true. I tried to keep distance between us.” I smiled. “God knows, it was all for nothing. Later I realized I never actually wanted him to stay away from me. On the contrary – I wanted him to be around 24/7. He became the inspiration I didn’t realize I had been lacking for so long. He was like a breath of fresh air to me. At some point, I caught myself thinking about him non-stop. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was love at first word. I think I fell for him the moment I heard his voice for the very first time. It sounded like the richest and the most beckoning voice in the world.”
Crustal gently pushed my hair away from my face. “Then why does it feel like you are about to start crying?”
“Because I know that his life with me will never be as perfect as I wish it was.”
“Uh, Sweetheart… Every relationship, as well as every marriage – is hard work. Perfection is like an alien in this craziness. What you really need to think about is whether or not you are ready to do your part of this work. Because I know for sure that my brother would do anything for you, possible and impossible.”
“Except for one thing… He can’t help me get my vision back. I know he’s trying to find a way to fix it. I once overheard him talking to a doctor. I couldn’t see his face, but I swear I never heard so much pain in his voice before. It tortures him – the fact that he’s helpless in this situation. And I don’t want him to feel that way.” Kean’s words about the reason for his leaving filled my mind. “I once lost someone I loved because he couldn’t stand seeing me like this, knowing he couldn’t change it.”
“You are not thinking about breaking up with my brother, are you?”
I smiled through the predatory tears that started rolling down my cheeks. “No, of course not. I would never do that to him. At least not as long as I know that he wants me to be a part of his life.”
“I know he does. He loves you, Ivy. Don’t you feel it?”
“I love him too. But I just can’t imagine losing him.”
“Why would you even think about losing him?”
“Because of my fear. Last time I thought I couldn’t be happier my life broke to pieces.”
“It won’t happen again. Do you hear me, Ivy? What happened in the past, should be left in the past. Period.”
“There’s one more thing that I can’t stop thinking about… The baby. If we ever decide to go as far as to have kids, I will never see them. Which, I’m sure, won’t be able to eclipse the fact of having them with Stanley.”
“Something’s telling me it’s a bit too late to think about ‘ifs’…”
“Oh, dear Lord…” I turned my head to Crystal, as if I could make her take her words back and pretend she didn’t know anything.
“Does your reaction mean I’m the first person who saw the obvious signs?” I didn’t say anything in response, so she continued. “The dress that Liz made for you gave away your little secret. Liz has an eagle e
ye. She couldn’t be wrong about your size, in your breast area in particular. But when I saw you in this dress, I knew something was wrong with it. Or with you to be exact. No, scratch that, wrong – isn’t the right word for the changes happening to you.”
More tears rolled down my cheeks.
“I don’t know what to do…”
“Liar,” she said with a smile in her voice. “You know exactly what you want to do. The problem is – you don’t know how to tell Stanley you are pregnant. Am I correct?”
“I don’t know how it happened. I was sure I took the pill on time.”
“It doesn’t matter how it happened, Ivy, not anymore. The main thing is that you are going to be a mom. Isn’t it wonderful?”
“It is… It’s just that I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. Stanley and I are not even married. We just started living together. What if he’s not ready to become a father?”
“Knowing my brother and what he feels for you, I’m sure he will be happy to hear the news.”
I took a deep breath, feeling like I would faint any second. There were so many worries filling my heart.
“My sister has three kids. I only saw two of them. I remember Jesse – the oldest one. But my memories of his face become more and more blurred with time. He says he starts feeling beard growing on the chin, which is not possible at his age of course.” I smiled. “Kelly was almost three when I lost my vision. Emery says she’s changed a lot, even though it’s been only two years since the last time I saw her. As for Paul, I can only imagine how he looks like. He was born shortly after the accident, so I didn’t see him at all. At times I ask myself if it would be easier to be blind from birth, but then I remember everything I used to enjoy as a sighted person, and the answer comes immediately – I would never say ‘no’ to the precious moments of enjoying the sunlight or the sky, or the stars – I loved watching the stars. Now I only have my imagination. And dreams. Dreams are my redemption; my small gift from the heavens. I’m lucky my ability to dream didn’t die in a car crash.”
In a soft voice, Crystal said, “And we are lucky you survived. I never saw my brother happier than when with you. It speaks for itself. Doesn’t it?”
“I guess it does. Today, after I spent a little more time with your family and Liz, I suddenly realized my fear to fail as a mother has never been stronger than now.”
“I’m sure you will be able to handle it, just like everything else. You are a fighter, Ivy. And fighters are fearless. Don’t you know that by now?”
I rolled my eyes, smiling – one of those habits I still had from my past life. “Please don’t tell Stanley anything of what I told you. I don’t want his worries about my vision to grow. Besides, I want to be the very person to deliver the news about the baby.”
“I won’t tell him a word. But you need to promise me something.”
“What is it?”
“Live in the moment. Embrace it, enjoy it and let Stanley make you happy. Trust me, if you just let your fears go, everything will be so much easier. I know it from my own experience. Liam and I… Well, let’s say our story wasn’t a fairy tale, but we have found a way to make it work and now I know that it was the right decision to make. I couldn’t be happier with anyone but him.”
I felt the same way about Stanley. My life would be pointless without him.
“Thanks Crystal. I needed to hear it.”
“Anytime, darling. Now, let me fix your makeup a little. We don’t want anyone to think Liz’s dresses make girls cry, right?”
***
Stanley
It was almost two in the morning when Ivy, Crystal, Liam and I returned home. My parents left the after-show party quite early, but my sister insisted we stayed till the end.
“I thought you said your back hurt like hell,” I said, watching her dance in the middle of the living room.
With her shoes in her hands, she laughed in response. “It mostly hurts when I need to get up for work.”
“Uh, right.” I turned to Ivy, who had been very quiet starting after the show was over. “How are you feeling?” I asked.
“I can’t feel my feet. I don’t think I remember the last time I wore heels that long.” She sat on a small chair in the hallway and took them off.
“How about we call it a night then?”
“Great idea. Night guys!” She said to Liam and Crystal. “It’s been a great show.”
“Indeed. Sweet dreams,” my sister said. “Make sure your ‘dreams’ are not too noisy. Folks are in the house, remember?”
Ivy and I went upstairs, to my old room. I missed it, as well as my life in Pittsburgh. Though now that Ivy became an essential part of my Washington life, it didn’t bother me as much as before her.
“Can I ask you something?” She asked, standing in front of a mirror. She took off her earrings and put them on a small table standing nearby.
“Is something bothering you?” I asked in response. I came closer and stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist.
“Have you ever thought about having kids?”
I smiled. “Is it a proposal?”
With a nervous laugh, she said, “Would you accept it?”
I turned her around and looked into her eyes, saying, “I always thought I would be the first person to ask you that question, but… I would say ‘yes’ to anything you have in that full-of-mysteries mind of yours.”
“Even if I told you something you didn’t expect to hear from me? Any time soon, anyway.”
“For starters, I can’t imagine a bigger happiness than to spend the rest of my life with you. So whatever it is that you can’t find enough courage to tell me, won’t change the mentioned above fact.”
She shut her eyes, as if afraid she would start crying and smiled. “Okay…” Inhaling deeply, she said in a whisper, “I think we are going to have a baby…”
“What?”
She put her hand over her mouth, as if someone could hear her sharing something top-secret with me.
“What did you just say?”
I removed her hand and saw her lips trembling. “I’m pregnant, Stanley,” she repeated, louder this time.
“Oh, my God… Are you being serious?”
She nodded a ‘yes’.
“Oh, Ivy…” I pulled into my arms and hugged her tight.
Her body started to shake, and without seeing her face, I knew she was crying.
“This is the best thing I have ever heard from you,” I said, kissing her hair. “I’m so happy right now.”
“Really?” She moved, as if she wanted to look me in the eye. “And you are not angry at me?”
“What? Angry at you? Why would I be angry? You know I never wanted anything more than being with you, forever.”
She put her palms on my cheeks and kissed my lips. “I love you, Stanley Burke. Love you endlessly.”
“I love you too, Ivy Ryan. More than I loved you yesterday, but less than I will love you tomorrow. Because with every beat my heart makes, my love for you grows.” I stepped back and looked at her belly. It was still flat and nothing seemed to be giving away the fact of her pregnancy, but I already loved the little miracle happening inside her.
I sat on the edge of my bed and pressed my mouth to where our baby was growing.
In a voice full of love I said, “I will never let you go, Ivy Ryan. Because I’ve never been so scared of losing someone in my entire life… Then again, I’ve never had anyone as important as you are to lose…”
CHAPTER NINTEEN
Ivy
Six months later
“Are you ready?” Dr. Jenkins asked, applying some gel onto the top of the ultrasound scanner.
“Yes,” I responded, excited. Today I had another appointment with my doctor and Stanley insisted on going with me. The baby in my belly was almost eight months old and I couldn’t wait to take my boy in my arms, kiss his little fingers and feel the softness of his skin. I was sure his skin was the softest in the world.
“Just look at this little fidget,” the doctor said, “he wouldn’t stop moving!”
“Tell me something I don’t know.” I smiled, filling Stan’s grip on my hand tighten. I could feel his excitement. We both felt like nothing on earth could be more important than the upcoming meeting with our son.
“Is he okay?” I asked Judie. She was a great doctor, and always knew what to say to lessen my worries. Like most pregnant women, I needed to know that my baby was doing well.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” she said. “The baby’s body is pretty much completely formed now. Though his lungs and brain are still developing. He can blink at will and his pupils dilate in response to light and darkness.”
“Isn’t it amazing?” I said in a small voice.
“It is,” Stanley responded. “He’s beautiful.”
“I wish I could see him…”
There was a moment of silence, then Judie stood up from her chair, making it scratch the floor and said, “I’ll be right back.”
“What’s wrong?” I turned to Stanley. “Where did she go?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetheart. Everything is all right.”
“She never left during ultrasounds. Are you sure the baby is okay?”
He laughed quietly and kissed my forehead. “Positive.”
“Is there something you are not telling me? Please, just say it.”
“I swear there’s nothing to panic about. It’s just that… Judie has a surprise for you.”
“Oh… What it is?”
I heard the door to the room opened and closed, then the chair scratched the floor again.
“Let’s see…” Judie said, riffling some kind of a paper in her hands. “Aw, just look at this, Stanley. Isn’t it lovely?”